she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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