i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
