I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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