Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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