Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
