screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
