Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
