i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
