1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
