the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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