What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
