He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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