I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
