i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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