she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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