If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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