I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
