i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
