The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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