I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
