low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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