Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
