Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
