kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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