if you like me you must not know who I am
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
