Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
