I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
People in love make me want to vomit
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
