I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I think I won the penis lottery.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize