the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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