my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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