life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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