I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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