my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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