I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
