someone get that fucking seahorse.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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