For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
