youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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