You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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