just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
