I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
