i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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