it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
