so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
