I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
