I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
