i think my mom watched the whole time
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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