It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
