If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
