The beers last night were like the tears from god
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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