I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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