Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
