I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
