He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
