I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
