She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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