he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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