I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
