Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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