I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
