I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Randomize
