I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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