Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
